…going thirty.

Guys, I know, I know I did not keep to my word to post regularly. I have no excuse, I just got lazy. But let us not dwell, why don’t you grab a G&T. Let me start by saying… a b!sh has just turned thirty!!! As I’m writing this I am elated as a mother. I am surprised at how well I am taking this. Granted, I did have a moment of freak out a few weeks ago as I got closer to the ‘D’ day. I felt as if I was running out time and there was so much I had not done yet. What brought me back and centered me was sitting down and reflecting at how much I achieved; in terms of goals and things done in the last 2 years alone. Things and goals that I never imagined possible.

Before we embark on the heavy shit let me just have a humble, not so humble brag moment. First of all, a bish has been vegetarian for about 3 months now and a bish wrote part of this post from her Airbnb in Paris in the cutest ass apartment ever💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽 . I know 3 months is not a long time, but for me, it’s an achievement worth bragging about. I hope I have enough willpower and discipline to adopt this as a lifestyle. I however plan on breaking my Vegetarian streak during my trip especially because I have to go to the one restaurant that has been on my vision board for the longest time; Le Relais de l’Entrecôte for steak and Frites and THE special sauce. Going to Paris and going to Le Relais de l’Entrecote has always been a dream I hoped to achieve. A dream I thought would never come to be. This year I thought, there is no better time as when I’m about to or turning thirty.

This year started a bit rough for me. I have been learning how to deal with losses (a story for another blog), letting go of some friends and people in my life, dealing with some fuckwits at work, and in the neighbourhood. I have most of those things down☝🏽👆🏽, but for some of them, I am still analyzing the feelings and still trying to figure them out as the days go by. If I can describe the first third of this year in a colour I would say it felt like a hue of indigo, navy blue, white and some red in there as well. Those are the same colours I see and feel when I am sick as well. Right now I’m sensing some coral, turquoise, green, and clay red coming up on the horizon. Those are the colours I feel I gravitate to when I’m in a good place and they give me peace. I know it sounds like a bunch of nonsense, and if you agree f*ck you, but you also may be right. That is the best imagery I could come with to describe how it felt then and now.

Up until now where I am turning thirty, I can say the biggest lessons I have learnt are letting shit go, being grateful, and giving everyone a clean slate from the point they walk into my life and build from there. It has not been the easiest lesson seeing as how human beings are wired to judge. It is the way we make ourselves feel better than the next person. Kind of like how I judge those who still eat meat and don’t recycle; and look for every chance to bring it up in conversation so you know and realize that I am better than you. I digress, I was talking clean slates. I have realized that giving everyone a clean slate when they walk into my life lowers my chances of being disappointed: it also helps me not have unrealistic expectations of people who do not owe me shit and gives them a fair chance in my eyes. This in turn helps me know what kind of relationship we can forge going forth. Nonetheless, this is not to say that I am immune to judging people. I do have my moments and on a good day, I will catch myself and check myself. One person who put it perfectly was Humble the Poet on his new book ‘Unlearn: 101 Simple Truths to a Better Life.’ Charlamagne Tha god read a quote from one the chapters titled “Are you happy?” when they had him over on an episode of their podcast ‘ The Brilliant Idiots.’ it said:

I have not read the book yet, but hopefully, I will eventually.

Having expectations, in general, is a great way to secure some unhappiness and disappointment in life.

…unrealistic expectations just magnify delusion and frustration.

Unlearn: 101 simple truths to a better life – Humble the Poet

When it comes to letting shit go, OMG! this has been the biggest and humbling adjustment I have had to make. I was the queen of holding grudges up until a couple of years ago. I will tell you for free if you do not know yet, that shit is toxic as fuck. It slows the healing process if feelings were hurt, slows down progress, limits you and overall it is just not good for your heart and mental wellness. I learnt how to take those situations where I felt betrayed, insulted, let down, and overall where my feelings were hurt as lessons and stepping stones. Granted, I would be in my feelings for a minute, vented to anyone who cared to listen and cussed the person out, but after that, I would let it go and if need be, let the person go as well. It is just not worth it letting someone else or their actions control how you feel and your mood overall. It is the most freeing practice you could ever indulge in. In my opinion.

Another aspect of letting shit go is letting go of toxic people, not adding anything to your life, not meant to be part of your life, and people who bring and arouse negative feelings most of the time when you are together. This does not mean that I will not talk to you, it means that I am no longer putting any effort into having you in my life, I am not taking you along with me in my growth process or lack thereof (unlikely), your spot in my life is gone, your feelings are no longer things I factor in anywhere and you are just someone I know. This does not mean that I will not talk to you or sympathise and empathise with you if need be and it doesn’t mean that I hate you, you are just someone I know, that’s all. Another angle of letting people go is vis-a-vis romantic relationships. I will not say much regarding but I know a quote that pretty much sums it up for me:

Dipping on the archival penis can be tricky on the heart.

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On being grateful, there is not much to say here that is not self-explanatory. I have learnt to be thankful and to give thanks for everything regardless of how big or small. I try to be grateful no matter how big or small the win is. I have my moments where I act like an ungrateful little shit, where I am not grateful to and for the people in my life, where I am not grateful for what I have or what I get and not grateful for the present of seeing another day. I have and I’m still learning to be grateful for the people in my life. They sometimes can be annoying as fuck, but that is just a tiny fraction compared to the great feelings they make me feel and the great joy they bring me. I have moments where I am annoying as fuck, but I can only hope they appreciate the good parts as well. They or I may do some fucked shit that’ll leave one’s mouth agape, but I am learning to appreciate those moments as well because they help one become more understanding, patient, and empathetic to the fact that we are not perfect and we are very far from it. The fact that they are here for us to love them, be with them, walk with them, celebrate with them and celebrate them, dance with them, eat with them, etc. That is enough. I am and will always be grateful for that. I hope you as a reader will be able to see that I am not trying to be self-righteous, but rather a work in progress.

Anyway, enough with all this deep shit. I am officially thirty and thriving. I plan to enjoy this phase of my life thoroughly. I have a lot of shit to do as well. I will keep you guys posted on most things and share lots of more stories and of my Paris exploits which hopefully will include me going to a nude beach. I want to go to the nude beach and participate. I feel and I have a nice pair of boobs and the french must know. I just had to put that out there

To sum it all up let us have a toast to making it to thirty (not so many are lucky), to France and nude beaches and to you and I. Salud!

Love and blessings to you. May the days ahead be kind to you and reveal to
you their endless possibilities.

EDIT*** Never made it to the nude beach. All the more reason make a trip back.

…it is a way of life

Hey, you’re back. You are always welcome, but you need to space out these visits, I’m running low on gin. I kid. I never run low on gin (insert T’Challa’s voice). Wakanda forever🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️ !! Anyway…

I grew up in Nairobi city. I never knew or desired a life outside the capital. Anything to do with other towns outside the city, to me and to most of the cool kids was just not… cool. Little did I know how wrong I was. I remember when I was in university, I would spend most of my weekends if not all out on drinking sprees with my brother and friends. It was fun and it made for good stories, but even that was starting to get old.

When school was out I would find myself craving peace, quiet, tranquility and serenity. So what would I do to achieve that? Travel upcountry to spend some time with my grandmother. Upcountry has the most beautiful, pure and organic atmosphere. Fresh air, clean water, fresh food straight from my grandma’s garden, good and positive energy. From waking up to the sweet sounds of birds chirping in the morning, sneezing from the breathing in the cold, crisp morning breeze to evenings spent sitting and talking by the fire that my grandma had started; and might I add her cooking was divine. I would spend my days helping her cook and clean and watch TV while she was out inspecting the coffee fields. In the evening we would sit in the kitchen by the fire and talk. You know that quote that says, “Happiness is not a destination, it is a way of life,” well, as corny as it sounds, ladies and gents, I can fully attest to that quote being indeed spot on. I would describe my retreats to upcountry a couple of times during the year, as some of the happiest times in my life. It was not the kind of happy that I was smiling all the time; it was the kind of happy whereby I was content, at peace, secure, clear, clean and quenched.

“…it is not a destination…”

I know you’re probably wondering what I’m driving at.I’ve been thinking of the kind of relationships I want to have with myself and other people in my life: friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationships. With family relationships, friendships and romantic relationships I want and need and aspire for them to be: pure, peaceful, loving, kind, non-toxic, supportive, organic in the sense that nothing is forced, long lasting, safe and everything that is good.

How I’m I going to achieve this with existing relationships? Redirection. I will redirect every single one of them if there are any negative aspects present. No negative talks, no gossip, no hateration (sic), lots of positive affirmations, love, kindness, positivity, communication, understanding and openness. How I’m I going to achieve this with incoming relationships? By encouraging and welcoming people who mean well, are positive, are kind, are loving, are non-toxic, are considerate, are self-aware, emotionally stable and available, understanding, communicative, open-minded and everything that will exude positivity and purity.

How will I achieve this with the relationship with myself? By loving myself, accepting myself as I am, being kind to myself, understanding myself, communicating with myself, blocking negativity, accepting, attracting and absorbing positivity and most of all by using all these traits and goodness on the people in my life. I will first give what I want and need to get what I need and want. Anything else or anything less will be a compromise and I am really not looking to compromise on my happiness and peace for the next half of my life. I want my life and relationships to be like I am upcountry breathing the fresh air, drinking the fresh water, eating organic food, being at peace; experiencing serenity, tranquility, security and just utter purity and bliss.

Dear, family member, future friend, and future partner, this is the wave 🌊I’m on and we will be on from now henceforth.

Love and blessings to you. May the days ahead be kind to you and reveal to you their endless possibilities.